Preparations

There are a couple of ways to prepare for my upcoming surgery.  Several are straight-forward, scheduling types of preparations.  Some are appointments and testing preparations.
But the hardest preparation for me is the psychological preparations.


Let me first address the easy stuff.
I have done my upper GI series and not a bit of trouble.  Rolling around on the xray table was almost like being on an amusement park ride and you get a free drink with it!  It all went well and my results were good, only mild reflux showing.
Yesterday, I  had my 12-lead EKG done as well as the pre-op chest xray and blood work. I have my pre-surgical appointment with Dr. Jossart next week, so I wanted all the preliminary testing done before I see him.
The hard test is coming up in a couple of weeks: the dobutamine cardiac stress test. I've had it done before, it was an awful experience, but I'm hoping knowing my enemy what is going to happen will give me a little advantage and the experience won't be as hard as the first time. At least now I know the test will end without my heart exploding in my chest. That would be the preferred outcome, anyway.


Now, here is the most difficult of the preparations: getting my mind wrapped around what I'm about to do, the results that will happen after, and all the unknowns flying around my head. 
  
In the late 80's, I decided to turn my life around and entered an outpatient rehab for alcoholism.  I was off work for about 3 months.  When I returned to work, I received compliment after compliment on the way I looked.  One girl accused me of getting a face lift and actually went to the trouble to look behind my ears for the scars! I was amazed that anyone could tell a difference.  I took the praises with stride and was open about what I had done.

I know when I return to work after the surgery, people are going to be doing the same thing.  I have been open about what I'm having done from the get-go. How am I going to handle it this time? 
People I come into contact daily, weekly or monthly will see a change.  
I think I'll respond with a big smile, a "thank you" and a honest explanation.


But, there is a sense of betrayal and sadness when I look in the mirror at myself these days.
I have held on to this weight for a long time.  It represents my fears and unhealthy beliefs about myself but mostly I believe it has been my armor and my shield.


If that is removed, what is going be found underneath?  


A healthy, beautiful middle aged woman who owns it and is never going to let it go again.